Whore-o-ween

In about 10 days many of us with days jobs or demanding hobbies are going to panic as the realization slowly dawns that we have not prepared a proper Halloween costume. Many of us women, (and maybe some of the guys too), may very well reach for the generic costume, the ones that whore-up whatever character you happen to choose. Some lament the fact that the Halloween of our youth has become the whore-o-ween of our adulthood. Take Jezebel.com, for instance, who this week posted a blog about “Slutoween”, offering alternative costumes to the “uninspired” sexy fare.

The problem with the Jezebel offerings was they were as uninspired as that slutty nurse costume you bought at 50% off on your way to the party. Not only were they a little boring, but so many still relied on a degree of slut that Jezebel claimed was uninspired. So here are a few ideas for you ladies out there on ways to actually un-slut Halloween.

And introducing, for this post at least, The Guy with costume ideas for the significant others to “compliment” Murph’s “insights”…

1. Jezebel offered up Lisa Simpson. Not bad, but if we’re going to go with a cartoon character, we can probably do less whiny. How about Dora the Explorer? Get yourself a sock monkey, fill your back-pack with booze, and make a map of all the parties and/or bars you plan on visiting. The best part is, you can finally use the four words of Spanish you remember from high school.

The obvious pairing here is Go Diego Go…but I have no idea what that is.

2. Annie Hall? Really? Is it 1978? What am I supposed to do with this?

Going as Woody Allen lets you be both annoying and creepy.

3. The Supremes- again, not bad, as the play on “Supremes” referred to female justices of the United Stated Supreme Court. But instead of going stag as Ginsberg, how about getting a group together and be the supreme Supremes- what if the ladies of the high court became a rock band?

Going as a male Supreme Courtian let’s you be critical and douchy to the women that do dress all skanky, but since you’re a hypocrite,  you can still enjoy ogling them.  Win-win!

4. While Nancy Drew may have once been a classic, at best you will be mistaken for Velma and everyone will be wondering where the rest of the Scoobies are. Want to go as a well-dressed know-it-all? How about First Lady Michelle Obama, or Secretary of State Hillary Clinton? A little boring? You were considering Nancey Drew.

Liz Lemon!  Then you get to be Jack Donaghy.

5. I had the entire collection of “The Babysitters Club”. When I was 12. Today, the kids are reading…well I don’t really know what the kids are reading.  (Twilight) But if you are trying to prove that you are “literary”, you could dress as a socio-economically oppressed 1960s-era African-American maid from “The Help”, that book you pretended to finish in book club last spring.

6. Rosie the Riveter is a great costume- if you want to glorify war-time nationalist propaganda. How about Rosie the Riveter circa 1950, when her husband had returned and reclaimed his job- what would that costume look like?  Instead, honor our current struggles by writing your wittiest anti-establishment slogan on a placard, then OccupyBoozeTable.

Simple; wear your best suit an everyone will think your arguing is “in character”.

7. Want to show everyone how hip you are with an Arrested Development costume? Skip the “SLUT” t-shirt, “borrow” a wheel-chair and a pair of thick glasses from your Great Aunt Edna, and go as Shirley Funke. Feeling crafty? Glue a bunch of buttons to a hat, turn your best blouse inside-out, and voila, you’re Mr. F.

Who doesn’t want to dress up as an awkward George Michael?  Better yet, dress up as the actual George Michael.

8. Claiming you’re “channeling Gloria Steinem” by donning a Playboy Bunny costume is a bullshit excuse for going slutty. Really want to go historic? Get a high-necked black dress, a lab coat and use your best french accent- instant Marie Curie. Complete the look with a bottle of epicac, and you’re Madame Curie at the height of radiation poisoning.  (Too soon?)

Her husband died the same way, so…zombie scientist!

Still want to use Halloween as an excuse to whore-it-up? Awesome. (Awesome) Embrace it. You look fucking hot in those spikey heels and fish-net stockings, no matter what pseudo-feminist websites tell you.

 

 

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